I'm back!

Hi! It's been just over a year since I posted to this blog and wow, has a lot changed! I won't be able to publish these posts for another few weeks, but I wanted to get started anyway. Let's see.. Not too long after I posted this last post, I got really sick. I started a blog about it (and yes, have been lax about posting in it! But you'll see why soon) To follow that journey and blog visit www.mysarcalledlife.blogspot.com

I believe my last post was late July or early August. I haven't posted since then because we've been SO busy! Doing what you ask? BEING PARENTS! Yes! Our journey to a child has a happy ending! Our sweet, adorable and lovable Olivia Raelee was born on August 30th 2014 at 2:45am. She was a healthy 6lbs 10oz and 19.5in long. When we got the call from the social worker, we couldn't believe it. We were beside ourselves. Of course we wanted her! Of course we'd take her as soon as she was discharged! We were overjoyed. We still are & she's 7 months old. We are so in love ya'll! My next post will be all about our birth story and how she came about, the first month of her life & each post after that will (hopefully) reflect another month or two of her life up until now. Hopefully I can remember it all! 

Bye for now 💜

Momma D

Suicide Awareness..Mu's Story.. From MY Point of View.

This is totally unrelated to our journey to a child, or life with PCOS.. but it is something that very near & dear to me, so I wanted to share my view on the events that occurred 2 years ago today and how I have dealt & am dealing with the loss of someone close to me.

It was a normal Tuesday. Work, school.. the usual. We were living with my sister and her husband at the time and were settled in for the evening, relaxing & watching TV in our room. I remember laying in bed with JR when his mom called. Seeing his face & how pale he quickly went, I knew something was wrong. It was chaos from that moment on, but I do remember him jumping up & saying "we have to go! Mu has been shot!" 

Mu (a nickname) is JR's cousin. They grew up together & him and I had always gotten along. He was one of the people I was closest to in JR's family. He always accepted me, when others didn't and if it was one thing I knew & remember about him, it is that I never had to worry if I needed something. I knew he would be there. No questions asked. I guess if I had to choose one word for how I felt about him, it would be "safe" .. I always felt safe knowing he was there. He was so much fun to be around. On the outside he looked rough and tough (and he was, don't get me wrong) but the ones he loved got to see a different side of him. His love of children, especially his nieces & nephews. They truly brought joy into his life. His goofy personality. The oddball things he would say that would have you rolling with laughter. I remember our "Game Nights" at my sisters house and playing 'Quelf'. He was such a good sport & SO funny to play with. I will never forget him having to talk like a pirate the entire game (the card he drew required him to) It's those funny moments I miss the most. He was genuine. He was honest. He was a good person with a huge heart. And he was, and is, truly loved.

Some of the moments following that phone call are blurry & some are completely gone, but I do remember running down the stairs after JR and yelling to my sister that Mu had been shot. We all ran outside to the car and for a brief moment I remember all 3 of us hugging and sobbing, not even knowing what we were about to witness or endure. 

I believe we got to his aunts house in record time (only about a mile away) and there were cars everywhere. Police cars, cars we recognized of family and friends. Everyone was standing out on the porch and front lawn. I'd say there were about 15 people there at the time. There was an officer standing in the doorway of the front door, blocking it. His aunt (Mu's mom) was on the porch crying, and as we ran up to her, all she could say was "he's gone, he's gone!" I don't remember who told us he had shot himself, and I couldn't tell you at what point I saw my sister on the lawn on her knees sobbing, or my mother in law in shock & screaming. I don't even know where JR is at this point, all I remember is looking at everyone as if it were a movie, in slow motion. I remember one of his cousins showing up and getting out of  her car screaming "Where's Mu? WHERE IS MU?.. TIA, WHERE IS MU??!!" .. she had no idea what had happened. More screams, more tears. They continued until the coroner showed up & we all (about 30 of us now) all stood in the lawn and watch them remove his body from the house. Never in my life had I witnessed something like that, in my own family or anyone close to me. After the coroner left, there was a huge sadness & somber in the air and everyone just kind of stood around and cried and hugged each other. It was chilly, so there was talk of moving everyone inside the house. I am not sure who, but someone had asked one of the officers if we were okay to go inside and he said yes and also that we'd have to 'clean up.' I knew what that meant and instantly my mother in law said there was no way her sister was coming inside to see what had been left behind. So a bunch of us all decided we we would go clean the room that Mu took his life in.

The purpose of this blog post is not to horrify you all, but for you to see the true impact of suicide and to somehow raise awareness. It is serious. Depression and signs of suicide are serious. It's also to share how differently everyone deals with it. I am sad. I am truly sad not having Mu in my life anymore. I often think of him and wonder what I could have done to help him. I wished he had reached out to someone in his darkest moments and been shown the light at the end of his very dark tunnel. I also feel happy. Weird, right? Let me tell you why I am happy. I am happy in knowing & wholeheartedly believe HE is truly happy now. It's apparent to me that while he was here, he had some demons and struggled with them. He was happy and loving to us, but I am not so sure he was happy within himself. I am happy in knowing he is free from those demons and from his pain. At times I think of him and almost feel selfish for being so sad and missing him so much, because I know how happy he is up there. When I think of his death, I feel a calm come over me. I know it is his way of letting me know he is okay and with his grandparents, drinking all the Budweiser he wants :) Mu is happy! 

What is left after suicide is something much harder than anyone can explain. Family & friends are left with so many unanswered questions, hurt, pain, confusion and so many mixed emotions. Each person deals with it differently and some people take a lot longer than others to mourn. I know my husband still struggles more than I do and it hurts me to see him that way. He has come so far from that day 2 years ago, in his mourning process, but I know the hurt is more than he lets off. If I could take that from him, I would. There are no easy and quick fixes to dealing with this type of loss. It's nothing to hide and I encourage any of you dealing with this type of loss, to please reach out to someone. Talking about it is the one thing that helps the most. If you know someone struggling with depression, anxiety or any of the signs of suicide, please reach out to them. Let them know they are thought of, loved & how much they mean to you and others. Spread love to those who you don't even know. They may be in their darkest moments when you offer them a smile and a "hello" and it might be all they need to get them through. 

Mu will always be loved and forever be missed. He was a light in so many people's lives and it makes me sad to know he probably never even knew that. Hug those you love & make it known how much they mean to you. Although I miss him, my heart is happy knowing he is free. 

http://www.spanidaho.org/

Blog Fart

Yep, you read that right. I've had a blog fart. Kinda like a brain fart when you forget something.. Welllll... I've forgotten to blog! I'm not going to say "I promise I'll be better at it" because, well.. I always say that & it never happens. I'll just say I'LL TRY. I have been inspired recently {hence why I am blogging right now} by a new friend I met on one of my Facebook groups. She's so much like me & I am so happy we connected! She is trying to be better at blogging as well, so hopefully we will help each other out!

Hmmm.. what is new? Let me think. There's been a whole lot that is new, but most of it you could probably care less about, so I will spare you every little detail. I am still horrible about taking my MF. {see previous blog post if you don't know what that is} - Still haven't taken it regularly. I TRY to eat right, but most of the time I eat out of convenience, so I am not 100% eating healthy. I do LOVE LOVE LOVE my carrots & hummus though. Seriously, I think my skin might start turning orange. {which I'm actually kinda freaked out about} I heard it can happen. Does that mean I will give up carrots & hummus? Hell no. I'll still be eating them, even when I do turn orange.

J.R. & I are moving into our own place soon. Just a few weeks! Nope, haven't packed one single thing. I did find a bunch of DIY projects on Pinterest that I want to get done. Those are way more fun than packing. I'm kind of a last minute person. It'll get done the day before, because, well.. it HAS to. That's how I work folks! 

I was supposed to have my first appointment with the fertility doctor on January 6th. I scheduled via their website {my mistake} and it never got put on their schedule. Which, turned out to be kind of a blessing in disguise, since I have been working more & will be moving soon. So, I plan on rescheduling for the end of February or beginning of March. {Maybe I can get a few lbs off before then!} Hey, I said MAYBE.

I cannot believe it is already the end of January! The holidays passed by so fast, then January did the same. I can't say I am upset over it.. as J.R. started his last semester of school this week. Guess what that means??? Graduation in May! I never thought this day would come! {Okay, I knew it would, but prayed the 2 years would go by A LOT faster than they did} I feel a little bad for him this semester, as he's taking 18 credits. He is already SO busy with homework and it's only the first week. Plus, he is still working part time. God bless his employer for being so lenient with him! {THANKS LISA & DENNIS!} These next few months will be challenging, but I know he will do well, as he always does! To tell you how excited I am, I already have his graduation announcements & invitations done & I've already contacted the place I want to have his graduation party. {I guess I am not so last minute when it comes to FUN stuff!} 

Well bloggies, I better get back to my scanning {BLAH} Cross your fingers that I don't have another blog fart anytime soon. I'll leave you with a quote I came across that was a huge AHA moment for me. Toodles!

Meal Plans

I also came across this website- it has some great meal plans. You can easily replace ingredients if you don't like/have them. For example: Instead of swordfish, use salmon.. or if you don't like asparagus, use broccoli. Pretty simple! I know it's hard for me to start eating right unless I have a meal plan in mind, and it has to be SIMPLE. I hate reading recipes that call for complicated and hard to find ingredients. These are items most people have in their house or can easily find at the local Walmart or Winco. I know I'll be modifying this plan and using it!

You can find it HERE

Snack Ideas!

A lot of what I have been reading regarding how & what to eat when you have PCOS, involves eating frequent, small mini meals. I am totally okay with that, as I'd rather eat all throughout the day and not just 2-3 large meals. The key is it needs to be GOOD stuff..not junk. Dammit. Guess those Cheetos are out of the question. Good thing I LOVE (I mean LOVE) vegetables. And hummus. I could eat it all day, everyday and be perfectly fine. (Thank GOD hummus is on the "to eat" list!!!) I've made it a couple of times myself, but it's time consuming (in my opinion) to get the consistency right & the flavor.. so the price to just buy the Sabra brand is TOTALLY worth it for me. (Tahini is NOT cheap..around here anyway!) I came across some easy snack ideas I thought I'd share with you. 

Okay, Okay... I'm back!

Well, I'm back. I realize it's been a couple of months.. but hey, life gets busy! :) But I promise you, you'll be seeing a lot more of me, as we start embarking on our purpose of this blog.. our journey to a child. Our first appointment with the new fertility doctor is on January 6th. They'll do a consultation, have our medical records from our previous fertility treatments and see what we need to do from there. Right now we are thinking of trying IUI first and seeing how that works out. It's a lot less expensive than IVF and not as 'invasive'. I am nervous, scared and excited all at the same time. Our experience with fertility treatments previously (and the doctor) were very disheartening & left me {I won't speak for my hubby} feeling like it was never going to be possible & as if having a child of our own would never be something we'd experience. 

After almost 4yrs {yes.. it's been that long} my heart, mind and body are ready to give it another try. We've never really "stopped" TTC (trying to conceive) but we haven't done anything fertility wise in that long. I know it's a very real possibility that we will be able to & I am not ready to give up just yet. It took me a very long time to realize that I am not the victim of PCOS. PCOS does not consume me and my life. It is merely a bump in the road. It may always be with me {and be quite the little bitch I might add} but some of the symptoms are treatable & I choose to let it be a very small part of who I am. It's frustrating & believe me, I have my days of "why the hell ME?" but I soon realize there are far more people in this world with more severe & heart breaking diseases than mine. I am a true believer that God has a plan for all of us. He leads us on a path of his choosing, not ours. I believe there is always a light at the end of everyone's tunnel, whether it be the light you want or not. Of course I want my light to be conceiving a child, experiencing pregnancy & child birth and having our own child, but that may not be "the plan" for us. And I am truly okay with that. {finally} I won't say it's been an easy road, but I am okay with it. I know there are other options & love the idea of adoption. My bank account may not, but I do! 

In my days of self pity & "this will never happen", I learned that even if we are not blessed with a child through conception and/or adoption, I am okay with that too. Although having a child is very high on my priority list, it {like PCOS} isn't ALL my life is about. I do have a great life. I have an amazing husband, who loves me unconditionally & supports me no matter what. I have an amazing family who does the same. I have friends who I love spending time & my life with. If having a child is not in the cards for us, we will still have a great life. I enjoy the time I spend with all of those in my life & there are so many opportunities to take advantage of. I do not dwell each day on my PCOS or my infertility. It's always there, but it is not the focus of my life. I have a life outside of my disease & it's full of wonderful people & happy memories. 

As I get ready to sign off, I'll give you a heads up on what YOU are about to embark on, if you choose to follow me & my journey. I don't usually hold back, I swear, I kind of bounce from one thing to another.. so don't be surprised if you see a post about something totally unrelated to my journey. This is also my journey of living with PCOS, so I will be posting random things at random times and will hope it all makes some sort of sense! :) I also know by exposing myself and my feeling/thoughts/emotions, some of you may have questions.. Ask away! Email me { dustierrodriguez@yahoo.com} or message me on Facebook. 

Toodles for now! 

Monday Funny!

Saw this & couldn't help but repost! I can totally relate! Happy Monday!